Jessauter "Spike" Spikuski - Owen S

Spike (a.k.a. Jessauter Spikuski, but only total squares call him that) seems to go through life in a complete daze. Those who had classes with him might recall Spike frequently showing up late, asking completely inane questions, and occasionally ingesting strange substances on the sly. He likes to hang out with the stoner crowd, but is easy going and generally amenable to everyone’s company. He sometimes goes on about how ‘the man’ is totally oppressing ‘the people’ through vaguely-defined conspiracies – despite the fact that he’s from a wealthy Tosat family. His brother, Sermon, clearly disapproves, but Spike thinks Sermon just needs to, like, chill out.


Now going by his full name, Jessauter returns to his squarish ways – studying hard, focusing on his miniatures, and trying to convince others of the dangers of recreational substanceomancy. Indeed, he set up SARS (Students Against Recreational Substanceomancy; formerly the Clean Club, but too many confused freshers signed up thinking it was devoted to magic-enhanced tidying up) focused on convincing students not to do drugs, and helping users go clean. Such was its popularity, some would say SARS went *viral*.

Jessauter continued his anti-drug message after graduation, making numerous appearances to kids, trying to convince them of the dangers of addiction and all the sorts of horrible things (like his apparent disfigurement) it can lead to. “Kids,” he’d tell them, “you don’t need to be high to get into hilarious highjinks!” He aggressively expanded SARS, spreading it far and wide: In Tosat, he got students at non-magical universities involved (Tosat Students Against Recreational Substanceomancy, or TSARS); to include non-humans, he formed Creatures Against Recreational Substanceomancy (CARS); for comedians, Humorists against Recreational substanceomancy (HARS); and for sea folk, Yachters Against Recreational Substanceomancy (YARS).

Two newsclippings that were seen in later years concerning Jessauter:


Anti-drug activist Jessauter Spikuski was revealed today to have fabricated an elaborate ruse involving drug use, demons, trans-dimensional adventures and the occasional penguin. After Mr. Spikuski released his latest book, “Clearing the Haze: My Life and Times as an Addict,” some former dabblers in recreational substanceomancy noticed some discrepancies in his descriptions. For instance, while Mr. Spikuski described the elusive Bobblehead Mushroom as a ‘hallucinogen’, some readers pointed out that the mushroom has no such psychotropic effects, and does not taste ‘bitter’ but in fact tastes wonderful when baked and stuffed with pepper and goat cheese.

This paper decided to investigate, and found additional suspicious passages. Interviews with former classmates contradicted Mr. Spikuski’s claim that a bloodthirsty frenzy that nearly killed five students erupted in the great hall when Mr. Spikuski used his drug-like spell (in fact, the result was a rather amusing dance part), and his former associate, one Mr. Mini-Spike, admitted that Mr. Spikuski spent most of his free time tinkering with miniature castles and model undead hordes, not experimenting with ever-more-complex cocktails of uppers, downers and ‘sidewaysers’. In addition, medical records recently obtained by this paper indicate that Mr. Spikuski’s blood and aura samples show *no traces* of any drug use at any point in his life. Representatives of Mr. Tepoztecatl, the demon with whom Mr. Spikuski allegedly traded his looks for a few measly grams of Hippogryph Dust (a favorite among recreational substanceomancers these days) could not be reached for comment.

When presented with this evidence, Mr. Spikuski made a surprising confession: he had indeed made most of his sordid tale of miserable addiction up in order to warn kids off drugs. He also revealed that he wasn’t actually deformed, but that his skin was magically reshaped and could be easily reversed. He has subsequently resigned from the boards of the various foundations he had established, and said he hoped the revelations would not affect their good work. The publishers of his memoir have added the following subtitle to his memoir: “a True-ish story.” Despite – or perhaps because of – the scandal, the book’s sales have skyrocketed in recent weeks, even surpassing such popular titles as “Zen and the Art of Transdimensional Ship Repair” and “Fabrication: the Shocking Truth Behind the Tyrant’s (supposed) Birth Certificate”. Mr. Spikuski himself, however, is nowhere to be seen…

[from an issue appearing several months later]

While some pedantic critics have proclaimed theater ‘dead’ (and subsequently thrown their support behind the necromantic arts), theatergoers have in recent weeks been pleasantly surprised by a new, invigorating stage presence: one Spike Jessuki. With the uncanny ability to inhabit a wide variety of roles – from the battle-scarred Professor John Hunter in “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Great Hall” to the evil troll in “Hedda Gobbler” – Mr. Jessuki has become known for the subtlety and utter convincingness of the characters he plays. In fact, many theatergoers swear he looks like a completely different person in each different production. He is best known, of course, for his portrayal of the hilarious stoner sidekick ‘Pike’ in “The Knights Chromatic: The Musical” (tagline: Sir Wilberforce is a Douche), though he brilliantly adds a hint of sorrow and regret to the role.

When asked in a recent interview why he decided to take up acting, Mr. Jessuki explained in his typically enigmatic tone, “I guess I needed a fresh new start. I like that about the theater – you don’t have to be yourself, you can take on a completely different identity with each new production.” As for his thoughts about the future of theater, Mr. Jessuki had a couple of ideas: “More dragons, for one. Everyone loves dragons. But beyond that, I really think theater needs to be more socially conscious, address the ills of the day. Like all the terrible inequality in Tosat, or our world’s rampant recreational substanceomancy problem.” Indeed, Mr. Jessuki has been known to donate a substantial portion of his pay to the actor/barrister consortium, Lawyers and Entertainers Against Recreational Substanceomancy, a.k.a., LEARS…

bio/jessauter_spikuski.txt · Last modified: 2011/09/21 22:23 by elliew
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